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Episode 804: Elijah Wood transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room/''The Muppet Show'' theme song Scooter: On Door 5 Times “(Guest Star’s Name), oh, (Guest Star’s Name), 19 2nds til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star’s Last Name). Guest Star: “Why thank you, Scooter, it’ll be such an honor doing the show with you guys this evening.” Scooter: “Oh that’s good, (Guest Star’s 1st name), ‘cause tonight’s the night of the awards ceremony party.” Guest Star: “I’d be thrilled by that idea.” Cut to Kermit appearing through The Muppet Show logo....... Kermit: “It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Elijah Wood, yaaaaaaaay!” [The Muppet Show Theme Music Playing In Background] Plays Notes On Piano Female Muppet characters: It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights, it’s time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet characters: it’s time to put on make up, it’s time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it’s like some kind of torture Statler: to have to watch the show Continues Playing In Background Kermit: and now let’s get things started Miss Piggy: why don’t you get things started? Kermit and Muppet friends: it’s time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show...... Of Bicycle Horn Honking Scene 1: Onstage/The Introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, tonight’s special guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's name), there are no sketches this evening, but 1st, right before we begin the awards ceremony party, it's time for an opening musical number." Walter: “Hey, uh, Kermit, good luck with the ceremony.” Kermit: "Oh, thanks for telling me that, Walter, I appreciate it.” Walter: “You’re welcome.” Kermit: "So anyway, here's Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter and Rowlf with the opening musical number.” Opening Musical #: Yesterday Rowlf: Music On Piano Yesterday all my troubles seem so far away now it looks as though they’re here to stay oh I believe in yesterday Fozzie: suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be there’s a shadow hanging over me oh yesterday came suddenly Gonzo: why she had to go I don’t know, she wouldn’t say I said something wrong now I long for yesterday Scooter: yesterday love was such an easy game to play now I need a place to hide away oh I believe in yesterday Fozzie: why she had to go I don’t know, she wouldn’t say I said something wrong now I long for yesterday Rowlf: yesterday love was such an easy game to play now I need a place to hide away oh I believe in yesterday Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........ Waldorf: “Hey, you know what could’ve been used yesterday?” Statler: "What's that, Waldorf?" Waldorf: “A charter bus ride outta this theater!” Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Now on with the awards ceremony party…….. Kermit: “And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it’s now time to begin the awards ceremony party, so right now, here’s Walter to read the list of the nominees for best Bear On Patrol sketch number.” Walter: “Here are the nominees for best Bear On Patrol sketch number.” The clips begin playing on the screen……… Walter: Over Mud Balls on Display Windows. ''Bear On Patrol'' sketch #: Mud Balls on Display Windows (clip) Patrol Bear/Fozzie: “Alright, come this way, here you go, nice and easy." Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: “Now what seems to be the trouble, Patrol Bear?” Patrol Bear/Fozzie: “This man has been throwing mud balls at display windows.” Walter: “But I wasn't throwing any mud balls, I was just doing a shopping spree.” Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: “Very well then, bring him closer to me.” Patrol Bear/Fozzie: “Yes, Officer Hogthrob, sir.” Walter is brought closer to Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob. Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: “Tell me your name.” Walter: “Walter, kind sir, and I'm innocent, I would never do anything wrong.” Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: “I better check the guilty and innocent list.” Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob scans through the guilty list, but Walter's name is not on it. Officer Hogthrob/Link Hogthrob: “Well, Walter, you're absolutely right, you're innocent after all, in that case, you're free to go, release him, Patrol Bear.” Patrol Bear/Fozzie: “No problem.” Walter is now free at last...... Walter: Over Trying to Steal a Sailboat. ''Bear On Patrol'' sketch #: Trying to Steal a Sailboat (clip) Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, Rizzo, right this way." Rizzo: "I dun didn't do it, I swear, it wuzn't me!" Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "So what is the problem this time, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This rat was trying to steal a sail boat." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "I see, bring him over here to me." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob, sir." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What is your name, little brown rat?" Rizzo: “Rizzo de Rat, kind sir, and I'm innocent, I didn't steal a sail boat, I wuz just lookin' at it.” Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Rizzo, you're innocent after all, so, Patrol Bear, you can let him go right now." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "No problem, Officer Hogthrob." Rizzo: "Oh, dank you." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "You're welcome." Walter: Over Impersonating a Rock and Roll Singer Named Elvin Prosley. ''Bear on Patrol'' sketch #: Impersonating a rock and roll singer named Elvin Prosley (clip) Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Excuse me, Patrol Bear, what seems to be the problem here?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This young man was impersonating a rock and roll singer named Elvin Prosley at the Las Vegas Hotel." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh, really? where exactly was he in the hotel?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "He was in the dining hall, singing and disco dancing, and I recognized his original face." Scooter: "But I told you, I was only trying to win that contest!" Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "So, Scooter, how'd you get into that contest, anyway?" Scooter: "Well, I was in the Las Vegas Hotel dining room, and well, here I am." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, in that case, you're finally free to go right now." Scooter: "Oh thanks, Officer Hogthrob." Scooter walks around outta the police patrol department. End of clips……. Walter: “And the winner for best Bear On Patrol sketch is-” Walter opens the envelope and Trying to Steal a Sailboat becomes the winner. Walter: “''Trying to Steal a Sailboat''.” Rizzo: “Oh my gosh, I won de award, I won de award!” Rizzo steps right up onstage to claim his award winning trophy. Rizzo: “Dis is de most cheerfulest night of my entire evenin’.” Gonzo: “We know, Rizzo, we’re real proud of you winning that award.” Scooter: “And now here’s Fozzie to read the list of the nominees for best Veterinarian’s Hospital sketch.” Fozzie: “Here’s the list of the nominees for best Veterinarian’s Hospital sketch.” Fozzie: Over Walter is the Patient. ''Veterinarian's Hospital'' Sketch #: Walter as the patient (clip) Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so, I went down town to the fruit market, and I asked the sales manager, which of these fruits are on sale merchandise, and he said, the Granny Smith apples are the 1s on sale." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your crazy fruit jokes." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "I just hope they're not too fruity or corny." Janice/Nurse Janice: "So, Dr. Bob, what's the deal with this patient? who is he?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "You wanna know who the patient is? well, here he is." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls down the corner of the green blanket covers and reveals Walter as the patient. Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh my goodness, Walter, what brings you here?" Walter: "I've got terrible aches and pains in my elbows, and it's driving me extremely crazy." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, it could be a major Charlie Horse you have going on around here." Walter: "Easy for you to say." ''Veterinarian’s Hospital'' Sketch #: Beautiful Day Monster as the patient (clip) Walter: Over Beautiful Day Monster is the Patient. Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "So when I turned on my flashlight, I checked under my sofa, and there were no dust bunnies under there." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your wise crackin' jokes." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "So, Nurse Piggy, where's our new patient?" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Right under here." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy lifts the corner of the green quilt, and reveals Beautiful Day Monster lying right down on the hospital bed. Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh my gosh, like, wow, this patient is a dark blue monster." Beautiful Day Monster: "The only reason why I'm here is because I've got a nervous twitch in my shoulders." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Then that makes you the monster of true comedy." End of the clips…….. Fozzie: “And the winner for best Veterinarian’s Hospital sketch is-” Fozzie opens the envelope and it’s revealed that Beautiful Day Monster is the winner. Fozzie: “Beautiful Day Monster.” The camera zooms in on Beautiful Day Monster backstage……. Beautiful Day Monster: “Me? I’m the winner?” Fozzie: “Please come on over to claim your award winning trophy.” Beautiful Day Monster comes right over to Fozzie to claim his award winning trophy. Beautiful Day Monster: “Whoa, this is real nice and thrilling.” Kermit: “It sure is.” Gonzo: “Now here’s Rowlf to read the list of the nominees for best Pigs in Space sketch.” Cut to Rowlf onstage to read the list of the nominees for best Pigs in Space sketch…. Rowlf: “Here’s the list of the nominees for best Pigs in Space sketch.” Rowlf: Over A swarm of cockroaches. ''Pigs in Space'' Sketch #: A Swarm of Cockroaches (clip) Dr. Strangepork: "Check it out, my newest invention: The Cockroach Killer 300." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "How does it work?" Dr. Strangepork: "It can kill a lot of cockroaches." Link Hogthrob: "Good thing, 'cause there's a swarm of cockroaches invading the Swine Trek!" Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Ew, gross, get 'em away, get 'em away!" Dr. Strangepork: "Stand back, everybody, I know just what to do!" Dr. Strangepork uses a powerful blast from the Cockroach Killer 300, and kills all of the cockroaches. Dr. Strangepork: "Okay, now the cockroaches are history." Link Hogthrob: "What a relief." Rowlf: Over The Sacrifice of Rusty McBolts ''Pigs in Space'' sketch #: The Sacrifice of Rusty McBolts (clip) Dr. Strangepork: Silently Link Hogthrob: "He's been like this ever since Rusty McBolts got crunched, I had no idea he'd become so fond of that thing." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "No kidding, I always thought of it as a can opener with an attitude." Dr. Strangepork: Up "Poor, poor Rusty, you were expensive to maintain, you seldom followed instructions and you were a constant reminder of my own morality, in other words, you were like a son to me!" Link Hogthrob: "We should snap him out of it--we need him to do all that clever math stuff that stops us from hitting the big moony things." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "They're called moons." Link Hogthrob: "Yes, those, got any ideas?" 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Weellll........." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Okay, we agree that he needs some sort of crisis scenario to snap him outta his mope, right?" Link Hogthrob: "I always find blind panic takes me out of myself, personally." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Right, so let's do it!" 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy rushes frantically over to Dr. Strangepork. 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Dr. Strangepork, terrible news, Captain Hogthrob hit the emergency jettison button by mistake and dumped our # 3 engine into the sunlight!" Dr. Strangepork: "Whaaa-a-at?!? disaster strike!" Link Hogthrob: "Sorry about that, I thought I was switching on the hot tub." Dr. Strangepork: "Link, you ninny, there's no time to lose, fire the remaining engines on maximum thrust--we may still have enough juice to get to Stardocks Alpha for repairs!" Dr. Strangepork: "It's no good--the readings show that we can't escape the sunlight's gravity with the remaining engines, we're doomed for the rest of our entire lives!" Link Hogthrob: "I guess Rusty's the last thing on your mind, right?" Dr. Strangepork: "Still--at least I'll go to my eternal reward feeling fully alive, thanks a lot, you guys, it's...it's been so realistic." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "It's alright, I'll tell him." 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Ha, fooled you, we set this up to snap you out of your funk, Link only pretended to jettison the engine, didn't you, Link?" 1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "Link?" Link Hogthrob: "Whoopsy daisy." Rowlf: “And the winners for best Pigs in Space sketch are-” Rowlf opens the envelope and it’s revealed that Miss Piggy, Link Hogthrob and Dr. Strangepork are the winners. Rowlf: “Piggy, Link and Dr. Strangepork.” Miss Piggy: “Oh my gosh, we won the awards.” Link Hogthrob: “How very charming.” Dr. Strangepork: “And satisfying.” Miss Piggy, Link Hogthrob and Dr. Strangepork go right onstage to claim their award winning trophies. Link Hogthrob: “We’re so proud of winning those awards.” Swedish Chef: “Yuoo gooys deed funtesteec.” Kermit: “And now here’s my nephew, Robin to read the list of the nominees for best Muppet Labs sketch.” Cut to Robin onstage……… Robin: “Here’s the list of the nominees for best Muppet Labs sketch.” Robin: Over Incredible Glowing Potion. Muppet Labs Sketch #: Incredible Glowing Potion (clip) [Muppet Labs Theme Music Playing In Background] Bunsen: "Hello and welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, my faithful assistant, Beaker and I are demonstrating our latest invention." Beaker: "Mee, mee, mee mo, mo, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Today, we're demonstrating the incredible glowing potion, if you're in a dark place and you wanna see right away, try using incredible glowing potion, which Beaker will now demonstrate (he turns over to Beaker.) go ahead, Beaker, take 1 little sip of it." Beaker: "Mee, mee, mo, mee." Bunsen: "Just as you can see, it also helps during a blackout at your church, house or school." Beaker suddenly begins glowing bright green. Beaker: "Mee, mo, mo, mee, mo, mo, mee, mee!" Bunsen: "Oh my goodness gracious, Beaker, you're glowing quite green!" Beaker: "Mee, mo, mo, mee!" Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time, tune in next time for another episode of Muppet Labs." Robin: Over Flipping Pizza Popper 500. ''Muppet Labs'' sketch #: Flipping Pizza Popper 500 (clip) Bunsen: "Are you tired of making boring pizzas in the oven? or waiting 12 hours for a pizza delivery? well, with the Flipping Pizza Popper 500, it does it all instantly, you just simply put a frozen pizza in our toaster-like box, but for this 1, we'll have Beaker put it in for us, (he turns over to Beaker.) go ahead, Beaker, put it in there." Beaker puts in the frozen pepperoni and green pepper pizza in the Flipping Pizza Popper 500....... Bunsen: "Very good......." Bunsen: "Just as you can see, the frozen pizza is in the Flipping Pizza Popper 500, watch and see what happens." Beaker: "Mee, mo mee......" Suddenly, the machine goes hay wire, and Beaker's head gets turned into a beaker shaped pizza head.... Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh my word, Beaker, not only that you put a frozen pizza in the Flipping Pizza Popper 500, but your head also looks like 1 as well." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee." Robin: “And the winners for best Muppet Labs sketch are-” Robin opens the envelope and it’s revealed that Bunsen and Beaker are the winners. Robin: “Dr. Honeydew and Beaker.” Bunsen: “Oh my gosh, Beaker, did you hear that? we won the awards.” Beaker: “Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee.” Bunsen and Beaker step right up to claim their award winning trophies. Fozzie: “Hey, Dr. Honeydew and Beaker, we’re so proud of you for winning.” Bunsen: “Why thanks, Fozzie, we really appreciate it.” Dr. Teeth: “We’re havin’ a real good time, but right now, we’d like to present the awards ceremony during the in memoriam segment in honor and memories of the 1s we’ve lost back in 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015.” In Memoriam: Past Muppet Show guest stars Skeeter: When the mountain touches the valley Lynn Redgrave (1943-2010) all the clouds are taught to fly Lena Horne (1917-2010) Clifford: as our souls will leave this land most peacefully Lorene Yarnell (1948-2010) Wally Boag (1920-2011) Beauregard: though our minds be filled with questions Phyllis Diller (1917-2012) Rowlf: in our hearts we'll understand Andy Williams (1927-2012) when the river meets the sea Jonathan Winters (1925-2013) Miss Piggy: like a flower that has blossomed Jean Stapleton (1923-2013) in this dry and barren sand Faz Fazakas (1918-2013) Walter: we are born and born again most gracefully John Henson (1965-2014) Robin: plus the winds of time will take us Oswald Morris (1915-2014) with a sure and steady hand Lisa Simon (1951-2015) when the river meets the sea the other Ray Charles (1919-2015) Sam: patience my brothers Stan Freberg (1926-2015) and patience my son in that sweet and final hour Charles Durning (1923-2012) truth and justice will be done Jane Henson (1934-2013) Fozzie: like a baby when it is sleeping in its mother’s loving arms Mickey Rooney (1920-2014) what a newborn baby dreams is a mystery (a mystery) Robin Williams (1951-2014) Kermit: but this life will find a purpose Peter Falk (1927-2011) Mildred Huxtetter: and in time we'll understand Barbara Billingsley (1922-2010) when the river meets the sea when the river meets the almighty sea Rowlf: “Yep, those bring back the good times we’ve had with those talented people right before their passings.” Fozzie: “That’s exactly right, Rowlf.” Walter: “And now, here’s Scooter, to read the list of nominees for guest appearances on The Muppet Show, seasons 6-9.” Playing In Background Scooter: There’s Will, Dakota, Jack, Angela and Mila, Tony, Rachael, Adam, Whoopi, Rick, Queen and Denis, Alan, Hillary, Robert, Jane, Kel and Bailee, Eddie, Cameron, Joe and Avril, there’s William, Cameron, Johnny, Maggie, Josh and Piper, Ben, Kaylee, David, Lisa, Matthew, Julia and Michael, there’s Christa, John, Ellen, Eugene, Joan, Zach and Amy, Joaquin, Mandy, Kevin and Estelle too, there’s Toby, Kate, Steve, Elijah, Zooey and Arsenio, Tina, Ricky, Lady, Tom, Kathy, Alec, Reese, Paul and Maya, there’s Nicholas, Meredith, Larry, Catherine, Eric, Rosie, Mike and Andie, Tim, Jonah, the other Johnny, Anne and Mr. Grammar, he was good, along with Meryl and Anthony, Imelda, the other David, Sally and Gary, Miss Richardson, she was great, and let’s all give a big round of applause. Guest Star: “Thanks, Scooter.” Guest Star: “And the winner is……me, best known actor for The Lord of the Rings trilogies.” Kermit: “Alright, way to go, Elijah!” Gonzo: “Congratulations, Mr. Wood.” Waldorf: “Well, Statler, he won the award, I was hoping the others would return somehow.” Statler: “It just doesn’t get any better than any award ceremony.” Waldorf: “You’ll never know who the winner’s gonna be this time.” Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Kermit: “And right now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, before we end the show, it’s time for a closing musical number.” Closing Musical #: Gonzo’s version of Stand By Me Playing in background Gonzo: When the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light we'll see Gonzo: no I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid just as long, as you stand, stand by me Gonzo: and darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh now, now stand by me stand by me, stand by me Gonzo: if the sky that we look upon, should tumble and fall and the mountains, should crumble to the sea Gonzo: I won’t cry, I won’t cry, no I won’t shed a tear just as long as you stand, stand by me Gonzo: and darlin', darlin', stand by me, oh stand by me stand by me, stand by me, stand by me, yeah Gonzo: whenever you’re in trouble, won’t you stand by me, oh now, now stand by me Gonzo: 'oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me darlin', darlin', stand by me, stand by me oh, stand by me, stand by me, stand by me……. Fades Away Scene 2: Back onstage/Welcoming the (Guest Star) Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, for coming here tonight, you've all been such a wonderful audience for our show and awards ceremony party this evening, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm welcome for our guest star, Mr. (Guest Star’s Name), yaaaaaaaay!” The (Guest Star) arrives onstage. Guest Star: “Thanks a bunch, everybody, it’s been such an honor being on the show with all of you guys, but right before we end this show, I’d like to give this award to a very special somebody we know and love.” Guest Star: “And……(he opens the envelope to reveal that Kermit is the winner) Kermit is the winner for best show host.” Kermit: “Wow, how can I ever thank you guys? this is such a super thrilling evening, but we’ll see you next time on The Muppet Show.” End Production Credits Starring the Voice Performers Steve Whitmire Eric Jacobson Dave Goelz Bill Barretta Matt Vogel David Rudman Alice Dinnean Vernon Ryan Dillon Tyler Bunch Peter Linz Brian Henson and Stephanie D'Abruzzo Category:The Muppet Show season 8 transcripts Category:Transcripts